About change

Change. It’s a challenging word. A word that holds the heavy weight of fear.  But it’s also seeped with excitement. I’ve changed so much, and changed so many times and so many things in my life, but if I only had to change one thing, it would be the voices in my head. That’s right. That old tape recorder. The one that used to tell me how ugly I was, how skinny, how fat, how stupid and how unlovable.

I did that very thing. And by doing so, I changed my whole life.

Many of us heard negative things and had negative experiences when we were children. Those words and experiences became our core belief about ourselves. They became ingrained in our minds and started a type of biological tape recorder that would go off throughout our lives.

It happened to me like this…my father used to tell me I was good for nothing. Adults weren’t there for me like they should have been.  I was sexually abused (raped, which I am just learning to admit to myself and say) by friends of the family. All of this sent messages to me – I was stupid, unlovable, and unworthy. Those messages played in my mind throughout much of my life.

I recently saw a school yearbook photograph of myself. I must have been around 9-years-old. Scribbled over that pretty little girl’s face were the words ‘ugly dog’ written in my hand.  I was full of self loathing.

It doesn’t take much to start that tape. Unkind words from an adult will start it.

I believed these things about myself so completely that I started acting on them. Never mind that I was not stupid, I thought I was.  Never mind that I was attractive, I thought I was ugly.  I know some of you know what I’m talking about. Or perhaps you still hear that tape and don’t yet know the wonderful person that you are.

Thoughts and words are extremely powerful. When you have a negative thought, your speech and actions will be negative.  When your speech and actions are negative your life is unhappy. As a result of my low self-esteem I put myself in terribly self-destructive situations. I didn’t care. I thought I deserved whatever happened to me.

My life’s experiences were extreme.  Even the tape telling yourself you are stupid can affect your life in a negative way. Perhaps you underestimate yourself so that you accept a low paying job. The tape that tells you you’re fat can turn into dangerous eating disorders.  Does your mind tell you you’re useless and unlovable? You could miss out on the joyous experience of love – self-love and the giving and receiving of love from others. The tapes and results are so long and so many.

If you can change the thoughts and language to something positive (and I know you can because I did it), you will find the actions that follow will become positive and before long, positive things will start to happen in your life.  Your age doesn’t matter – 15-years-old or 90-years-old, you can turn everything around and change your life.  I know.  I’m speaking from personal experience.

1.  CHANGE THE OLD “TAPE RECORDER”

Whenever you have a negative thought, don’t beat yourself up about it; simply replace it with a positive thought. For instance, if you think to yourself, “I’ll never get that job, there are a million people more qualified than me”, replace it with “I can get this job. There are a lot of people applying, but there is a good possibility that I’ll be chosen.” If you are not qualified for the job, do something that will make you more qualified. Take a night course, for example. Work toward it, instead of believing that you can’t do it.

2.  STOP – DON’T SAY IT

Catch yourself before saying anything negative about yourself. When you find that you are about to say something negative, simply stop and don’t say it. For example, if you are about to say “I always do stupid things like that,” stop yourself.

Changing your thoughts and the words you speak may seem foreign and uncomfortable in the beginning. But with practice, you’ll find that it becomes more and more natural.

For many of us, it is difficult to think of something positive about ourselves. Others can see things in us that we have a difficult time seeing in ourselves.  Ask friends and loved ones to take a few minutes and write things down that they like about you.  Look at the list often.  Keep it by your bathroom mirror so you can see yourself when you read them.  I did this exercise and it was very powerful for me.

This will take persistence and patience.  It won’t happen overnight. It took me a long time, but I kept at it. In time, I began to see real changes in my life.

Recently I officiated at my sister’s wedding. If you knew the shy, frightened person I was, you’d have a difficult time believing “she” was the same person who stood up with confidence and happiness in front of 80 – 100 people.

Now, when I hear someone say something negative about themselves, I cringe. I recognize the person I once was and I so want them to have the life they deserve.

I saw my father for the first time in years at that wedding. He came over to me and mentioned that there is something different about me.  When I asked him what it was, he said that I’m no longer the scared wallflower I was.

I smiled.  That’s right I’m not.

I’ve changed.

Most of the above was previously published in the magazine Going Bonkers.